All I want is just this small space in a huge online world to rant and share what I really love. So you can either like it or hate it and F off <3

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ive been feeling a little shitty lately with things that have been going on this entire month. lets just start from my birthday week. no doubt it was my fault to expect a lot. i expected all my friends to celebrate my birthday but i got disappointed. very very disappointed. on my birthday, i had to call my good friend rachel to come out with me because i had no plans on the actual day. furthermore, i was working in the company all by myself. i felt sad, alone and for the first time, i felt my birthday was shit. matt did tell me tt there was gg to be a surprise bday celebration for me but that didnt happen as well. its just human nature to place the insignificant people in ur life at the bottom of ur list and tts how i felt. even a girl tt was not faring very well in work got a birthday song call by everyone. i know it seems very petty and childish to be ranting about such things. but the thing is every yr, i look forward to my birthday week because i enjoy the quality time i get with my friends becos its my special day so im sry if any of u think tt im just a useless weak bimbo. i felt really unappreciated tt even my friends have forgotten me.

of course there were the other moments that were happy. those little pockets of surprises made me feel better than i felt that week. lynn and ashrul surprised me with a little birthday cake and so did my clique who surprised me with lunch. that was all very very nice and i really really felt so nice and warm. hahaha.

looking at the bigger picture of my problem, i feel like im too nice sometimes so much so that people take me for granted. i feel like people are always very nice to me when they need the help. but once they've got it they just throw me aside like im a piece of used tissue paper. it makes me feel kinda sad that such friendships exist in this world. its just disheartening and it makes me feel like i cant trust many people. i guess this is one of the life lessons that ive learnt from mdc. if u ask me, the number of gd frens i have in mdc wont even need all my 10 fingers. sigh. if u ask me, the real world isnt always as fun as u imagine it to be.

maybe i just need to work my guts of, gain knowledge and then eff off. making friends with people where i work has become such an issue and a tedious process which i just dont really feel like going through any more becos im afraid of getting hurt or betrayed and then i become more cynical then i alr am. i believe what matt said was correct. the smile that i put on every single day of my life is nothing more than a facade that i use to mask the hurt that i feel. so many people have hurt me from the things they said or have done and time and time again i tell myself to let it go but really its easier said then done. i feel so weak and useless for not being able to stand strong and just be independant and not rely so much on people so that i dont have to go through this whole process over and over again.

i feel tired. not just physically but mentally and emotionally. im tired of the constant change of attitudes and behaviours. i just wish everything would just pause for a moment so i can take a breath. i havent felt this way in quite a while but i guess one has to adapt and in times of such difficulties, to look towards heaven and ask God for guidance and strength.