FABULOUS

Saturday, November 07, 2009

well it started out as a great week but slowly went downhill to one that hasnt been that great. im talking about this week. i was so psyched about all the inspirations i got for my latest projects in MDC and i was ready to like start on it and do a great job for the last tekong show this yr.

i dont know why but this blog is totally for all the rantings and it just screams: NEGATIVITY OVERLOAD!! but i dont really care since this is my platform to really express what i suppress inside. basically my ideas for beyonce medley were excepted but with much hesitation. my boss was worried of the whole changing of costumes. as for the michael jackson medley, the idea was totally scrapped because we're now headed in a totally different direction. it was kinda frustrating but working with my boss for some time now, i understand how he works and its almost normal for him to always change his mind because he really wants the best. after i had gone through this episode, the next disaster arrived. i went to see the tailor that i usually go to and she told me she cldnt finish doing all the costumes for me but only half of the beyonce medley which officially leaves me in deep shit. now i have to continue searching for alternatives and hopefully everything will turn out ok (if its God's will) and i learnt a lesson to never just depend on one source. now i have to outsource and i dont even know which tailors i can rely on. gosh. not only that. the michael jackson costumes will have to be made because no friggin store selling business clothes sell a full pure white suit. ugh everything is black, grey and off white. goodness.

so after yesterday, i really had to take a break because its really too much to handle as of now. i have to slowly sort out and plan out what i want to do and how im gg to finish everything by the end of this month (actually more like before the last week of november) HELP!! anyway i was feeling in the mood for a movie that was sad because that was how i was feeling at that point of time so i watched: My Sister's Keeper. OMG!! i have to say that it is such a great show. it wasnt the best but it was gooooooooood. hahaha. throughout the movie, i was tearing because the emotions the actors played out were so real and it felt like a life story being told right in front of me. i was crying by the last scene because the death was a painful one and seeing something like that just gets to me. it really made me realize that i have to treasure the people in my life because life is so fragile and to see a loved one in such a state would absolutely break my heart. sigh.

i just hope that tomorrow will bring with it some joys for me and i really sincerely hope that my work will not just be completed on time but look like what i intended it to be. as of now i just gotta suck it up.

Sunday, November 01, 2009

well halloween wasnt a really significant period for me becos ive never really celebrated it. in fact i didnt even feel like celebrating it on saturday when everyone was all dressed up in costumes ready to party. i on the other hand decided that spending quality time with some of my good friends seemed more fun. i was a little hesitant in the day though when they told me that we were going to watch the latest singapore film: blue mansion. we have to admit that we usually prefer the special effects and dramatics from the films that are produced in hollywood and it is undeniable that the filming techniques are more professional and advanced. hence, i wasnt really keen on a singapore film but im glad glenn goei proved me wrong.

there was a newspaper report on his present work where he sold his houses to pay for the film which i have to say shows a lot of drive and passion for his craft. the movie was very very very good. the literary devices just brought the whole movie alive. the meanings and intentions behind every single scene was well thought and hence portraying emotions that felt real. it really drew me in and i appreciated that the movie was such a success. i would totally recommend it to my friends. hahaha.

anyway on a separate note, i have to say that ive been trying to keep things more low key because i guess its become a little tiring on ppl to feel my high energy and i know i can't please everyone by being entirely myself. plus there was a whole other incident that caused some awkwardness so right now i dont really want to be screaming and announcing my presence. and praise the Lord because i feel that things between me and the wardrobe mistress have been getting a little better. i guess shes more comfortable to my working style now and i realized that shes not evil just a little too conservative in the way she does things that pisses me off sometimes. i guess i should credit the artistic manager who i had a good speech with. he tld me that i have to take things in a different light so that i dont get affected by what she says or does since its not personal. im glad and i really have to thank God for being so gracious to me.

ive also felt recently that i need to come back a little closer to God. ive generally been a little more distant and it doesnt help that i am so busy at work. my father mentioned something that really made me think about stuff. he said that when he was a teen, he asked God what present he could give him on Christmas (which is kinda weird) but i really loved the answer. God appeared to him in his quiet time and the exact words from the material he was reading was: the best gift you can give to God for Christmas is your TIME! freaky or what but i really feel like our time is very precious to us and by surrendering it to God and giving him our time is the greatest gift we could give him. i was quite inspired by that. to all the cynics who are non-Christians, dont wry, i havent turn into some extremist.

anyway ive also felt really inspired for my latest project in mdc so im gg to sleep on it. gdnite((:

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

ive been feeling a little shitty lately with things that have been going on this entire month. lets just start from my birthday week. no doubt it was my fault to expect a lot. i expected all my friends to celebrate my birthday but i got disappointed. very very disappointed. on my birthday, i had to call my good friend rachel to come out with me because i had no plans on the actual day. furthermore, i was working in the company all by myself. i felt sad, alone and for the first time, i felt my birthday was shit. matt did tell me tt there was gg to be a surprise bday celebration for me but that didnt happen as well. its just human nature to place the insignificant people in ur life at the bottom of ur list and tts how i felt. even a girl tt was not faring very well in work got a birthday song call by everyone. i know it seems very petty and childish to be ranting about such things. but the thing is every yr, i look forward to my birthday week because i enjoy the quality time i get with my friends becos its my special day so im sry if any of u think tt im just a useless weak bimbo. i felt really unappreciated tt even my friends have forgotten me.

of course there were the other moments that were happy. those little pockets of surprises made me feel better than i felt that week. lynn and ashrul surprised me with a little birthday cake and so did my clique who surprised me with lunch. that was all very very nice and i really really felt so nice and warm. hahaha.

looking at the bigger picture of my problem, i feel like im too nice sometimes so much so that people take me for granted. i feel like people are always very nice to me when they need the help. but once they've got it they just throw me aside like im a piece of used tissue paper. it makes me feel kinda sad that such friendships exist in this world. its just disheartening and it makes me feel like i cant trust many people. i guess this is one of the life lessons that ive learnt from mdc. if u ask me, the number of gd frens i have in mdc wont even need all my 10 fingers. sigh. if u ask me, the real world isnt always as fun as u imagine it to be.

maybe i just need to work my guts of, gain knowledge and then eff off. making friends with people where i work has become such an issue and a tedious process which i just dont really feel like going through any more becos im afraid of getting hurt or betrayed and then i become more cynical then i alr am. i believe what matt said was correct. the smile that i put on every single day of my life is nothing more than a facade that i use to mask the hurt that i feel. so many people have hurt me from the things they said or have done and time and time again i tell myself to let it go but really its easier said then done. i feel so weak and useless for not being able to stand strong and just be independant and not rely so much on people so that i dont have to go through this whole process over and over again.

i feel tired. not just physically but mentally and emotionally. im tired of the constant change of attitudes and behaviours. i just wish everything would just pause for a moment so i can take a breath. i havent felt this way in quite a while but i guess one has to adapt and in times of such difficulties, to look towards heaven and ask God for guidance and strength.

Monday, September 28, 2009

well so a lot has been going on since i was absent from this blog. i cried. yes i cried but not in front of the wardrobe mistress of course. many ppl have told me to since it'll scare the shit outta her but i didnt really wna show her my weakness. basically it has been shit for me working under her. with the title of wardrobe mistress, one would imagine someone who is capable of managing a wardrobe (which includes: having a good grasp of various sewing skills, knowing how to tailor costumes, designing and having a good colour sense). this is the basic skills a wardrobe mistress should have. unfortunately, the one i work under doesnt know how to do anything, so basically shes useless. i have never seen such a leech on society, someone who is so useless but rides on the talents and hard works of other, in this case, me. she has told many lies that have painted a nasty impression of me to the manager who i work directly under, hence making me look like a liability to the company rather than an asset. that was one of the factors that built up to my emotional breakdown last thurs.

take for example a simple case of shortening pants. i admit tt i cant do it well because i have NO experience as compared to someone who has had 36 yrs in the same place to work on a basic skill. that woman shortened a pants by stitching it after folding the excess in which gave a heavy look because she refuses to cut anything. when my boss questioned her, she LIED by pushing the blame to me, saying that i did it. what kind of moral person would blatantly LIE in front of others just so tt they dont get themselves into deep shit. it amazes me how she did it without batting an eyelid.

another incident would be how she refuses to give me money to purchase cloth for my item although she was obliged to give it to me since she is after all the wardrobe mistress. instead, she asked me to get the money from my colleague from the artiste department, claiming on grounds that it is his item when she obviously knew it was her responsibility. she has given thousands to previous designers who have come back to MDC for reservice, never complaining but being such an inhumane dog when it came to giving me a fraction of money.

anyway after building up all my pent up anger, hurt and frustration for about 6 months now, i just BROKE DOWN!! i cried for half an hr screaming slogans like "I HATE HER!!" or "I WANT TO KILL HER!!" or "SHES A BLOODY BITCH!!". not that my parents could stop me since they knew i wld just say it anyway. i was so angry for letting her trample over me and for letting her take advantage of my meekness and my basic respect for a superior by not talking back or screaming at her. shes someone who will never gain my respect because other than being a parasite in this society, she is nothing in my eyes. of course i dont wish her death, although in my anger i did, but i hope that she will reap what she sows one day. the day isnt for me to decide because as my parents said: let god do it because he said in the bible that "vengeance is mine".

now for the music. hahaha. recently, ive been listening a lot to the saturdays because they are really good. i think they're still quite indie in singapore but they're supposed to be quite big in the uk. anyway heres an example of their song.

Friday, September 18, 2009

its been quite sometime since i last blogged although ive been online almost everyday. some things have happened both good and bad i guess.

the most recent unfortunate events happened this week. lets start of with MC. tt bitch is just incorrigible. i seriously hate her. a few months ago i gave out white flair pants to the artistes, eight to be exact for an item they were putting up. i didnt write anything on the pants because i didnt what to write or whether i was allowed to write on the pants so i gave it to them in their plastic bags. but someone didnt return and it cldnt be traced becos there was nothing written on the pants. she said if i cldnt find it i wld have to pay. firstly this is NOT my fault becos shes supposed to be present at work and not be slacking. secondly, i was still quite new at that pt of time. thirdly, im a nsf not a dxo. the superior has to take the responsibility esp since she has been doing this job for friggin 36 yrs and still cant do it well. so if she does make me pay, i will complain to the sib. srsly i was so affected i just cried. luckily only lynn saw my tears. sigh. then after tt i wrote down ALL my offs which is equivalent to my overtime pay. i have 19.5 days but it seems managers can cancel offs which they feel is not relevant or something like tt. WTF!! srsly. i worked hard for my offs. many a day i had to come back to work early in the morning after a performance at night. now tt is srsly unfair. i will complain to sib too if tt happens after i enquire the rights a nsf has. srsly i cld be out of army doing something useful with my life but i have to sacrifice to serve the nation for a small sum of money so like what the hell. anyway as i always say. i LOVE my job but i HATE my bosses (the two tt im directly under).

on a happier note. my friends in the artiste department have also been very very very good to me. they are like my oxygen in mdc. without them i think i wld have turned mental under all the stress those two bitches place on me.

i also met up with wg, javier, june and justin tonite. it was gd becos i havent been out for like the whole week becos i was so friggin tired during the week. we went somewhere near my hse which is so random becos a lot of ppl wld assume we wld go to town but we dun mind anywhere as long as we can catch up with one another. ive still yet to meet my clique. hahaha. dunno where they mia-ed to. haha.

oo and i love this madonna song. its been out for sometime now. but i just cant stop gushing about it. it isnt her best song but the song is so catchy i just want to like dance when i hear it.

and gossip girls, antm and project runway are all out. this gives me something to look forward to when im not meeting my friends. YEAH!! ive alr watched 4 episodes of project runway season 6. so far no designer has really caught my eye. but im sure one of them will stand out soon like how in season 4 i just adored christian siriano. hahaha. anym cycle 13 also has an interesting twist this time round. they have decided to groom models that are petite. sound unusual but i think its quite awesome that tyra gives chances to everyone. sounds mean but i think if they did have a big girls edition i dun think i wld watch it. i still believe in the whole a-model-should-be-skinny theory. its only then that clothes can be shown off the way a designer imagines (at least that is what all the famous high end brands believe in esp the wonderful karl lagerfield). oo and gossip girls. it is so refreshing to watch it after not being aired for so long. i love the fact that there seems to be a few twists to the plot and i cant wait to see how everything unfold. of course its always great to see all the beautiful people in the cast of gossip girls esp my favourite leighton meester and all the boys. hahahaha. anyway all these shows are a must watch so do catch it soon((:

Monday, September 07, 2009

life as a fashion designer is never as easy as one imagines. people who don't work in the fashion industry will never be able to fully comprehend the blood sweat and tears that go into every single piece of clothing sent down the runway. this thought dawned upon me while i was watching "the day before fendi", a documentary of the fendi fall09 show. the whole process of watching the show made me feel worn out as i tried to place myself in the shoes of the people who work round the clock to make the fashion show a success. karl lagerfield is such an inspiration as i really saw how he managed to adapt to his surroundings and really blend with his work environment. he has such grace when he walks so much so that he exudes a certain presence that is uniquely his. he also manages to use his design eye to create perfection even if it means being brutal while crediting the people that he feels deserves his praise.

on a personal note. life has not been the easiest being at home and i much enjoy being outside with my friends. true what my parents say of family always being there for you in times of trouble but they can also be the source of ur unhappiness which in this case has been what ive been feeling. ever since my coming out, ive had NO PEACE from my mother. shes been always on the offensive which is making my life miserable. its in times like these when what the counselors say about parents needing to support their children for who they are becomes so important in the child's life. i can officially say that my parents DONT!! i feel kinda claustrophobic at home. no doubt its been a little better talking things out but ive also opened another door for trouble, mainly the _____phobic tendencies of my mother. this annoys me A LOT and sometimes i just want to scream at her, telling her to SHUTUP because you here her whining about how miserable she is that i give her trouble although i dont see how i have destroyed her life. i am neither rude nor do i give her a hard time. it kinda affects me and i feel my life becoming a little more miserable as the days go by. in fact i cant wait for the day where i can move out of this home so tt some of unhappiness in my life can be cut off. she says i have a loose mouth but she shld look in the mirror. the theory of pot calling the kettle black really applies in this case and i can say that her words to me are cutting enough to make me dislike her.
other than tt its back to work tmr. so signing off.

Monday, August 31, 2009

the tekong show went quite well ytd although the crowd wasnt very good. i feel that the whole dynamics of the show changed since the june show probably because of the various preferences. i am NOT stereotyping but many of our chinese who go to polys speak mandarin which is why they enjoyed the mandarin renditions better than the other songs while the jc ppl who did bmt in the jan batch and april batch are more in sync with the current english songs.

but i have to say that i LOVE the costumes i designed because it did look very good onstage. almost exactly how i would have imagined it to be. the colours just popped because of the vibrance of the hot pinks and yellows. as matthew (our fab mc) announced, it was the KABAM!! to end of the wonderful evening.

anyway im off to work AGAIN!! another day of tekong and hopefully the crowd will be more responsive to the songs tonite. but its always a two way thing so i guess we need to be prepared to send aa ball of energy into the audience as i was taught in drama in jc. HAHAHA!! so cyall bitches((: