All I want is just this small space in a huge online world to rant and share what I really love. So you can either like it or hate it and F off <3

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well it feels like not long ago, everything seemed to be gg quite well for me. however, as i was browsing through some of my friends' profiles on facebook, i realized that in my life, ive made many friends, but ive also lost a lot of friends.
looking at a certain person's facebook account, i see tt many of my classmates from secondary sch are still meeting up very regularly. they have parties and they hang out a lot tgt. they used to call me but now it just feels like im an outsider, like someone peering into a fish tank where the fish r having so much fun but the human cant join them becos well he's different.
then i looked at another person's facebook account and the status kinda stung me. i dno for what particular reason i felt like tt. its just tt u wna be included in everything but somehow u arent exactly ms popularity. well as matt said, its just a myth. i just have to let everything go and go with the flow.
anyway im off most of the days next week so im kinda happy with the many breaks tt im getting to rejuvenate from this very stressful yr. whoever said mdc is slack shld just go shoot themselves in the head unless u know u r referring to the musicians who dun really have anything to do.
i'll just try my best to continue keeping this blog relevant although somehow it just seems very focused on MUA!! hahaha. ttyl.

so glad that i dont have to go to work today. it just feels wonderful that i dont even have to do any costume stuff for now. i just went to watch twilight new moon with my galpal rajes. wasnt an awesome movie but something else was awesome. i'll leave it to you people to let ur imagination run wild. the movie plot was a little thin. there was no real action although there were many moments where i gasped in suspense. it seemed like the arrangement of the movie was a little too messy but i could definitely feel bella and edward's love being a sucker for romance. hahaha. i would probably rate it a 3/5.





well its been a tough yr i suppose but one that was a little different. looking back at the yr 2009, i cant believe that i have almost completed a yr of national service. that is crazy from when i was so afraid to book in during the bmt period to my glorious mdc days now. i can say that im really grateful to God for just carrying me through this new phase of my life.

reminiscing, i still rmb the first day i set foot on pulau tekong. i was so nervous my heart was practically beating as fast as a bullet train. i was glad when i saw matt, a fren i wasnt close to then but i was just glad to see a familiar face. through out the course of bmt, i should say tt i had it quite easy. i still had to do all those disgusting military activities but i had good nights where i made close bonds with friends and slept well at night. now when i go back to tekong, its a whole different experience. im now in mdc which means i go back there for performances. its awesome to feel freedom in my hands and when i look at the recruits, i smile impishly to myself imagining the torture they must be gg through. hahaha. i know im such a bitch but its funny. hahaha. talking about mdc, im really glad i made it there and i know how very fortunate i am to have made it there. i thank God whenever i have the opportunity. mdc is a place that has taught me many lessons and im glad my artistic managers give me the freedom to explore creative spaces and discover what it means to be a designer since i am so inexperienced. hahaha. but i have to say, im glad to have made close friends esp matt hahaha who accompanied me from bmt. little did we expect we wld do almost the whole national service tgt. i just hope that in 2010 i really get to build up my portfolio and enjoy the rest of my time in mdc((:

hahaha. now for the minute details of what has happened recently. of course there was the PAFF D&D which was quite fun. hahaha. judging by the outfit.


other than me, i must also comment that lady gaga's extension of her first album, the fame monster is looking pretty good. bad romance has alr become such a huge success online and the girl is working her fashioooooooooon.

RAWR!! hahaha....

well it started out as a great week but slowly went downhill to one that hasnt been that great. im talking about this week. i was so psyched about all the inspirations i got for my latest projects in MDC and i was ready to like start on it and do a great job for the last tekong show this yr.

i dont know why but this blog is totally for all the rantings and it just screams: NEGATIVITY OVERLOAD!! but i dont really care since this is my platform to really express what i suppress inside. basically my ideas for beyonce medley were excepted but with much hesitation. my boss was worried of the whole changing of costumes. as for the michael jackson medley, the idea was totally scrapped because we're now headed in a totally different direction. it was kinda frustrating but working with my boss for some time now, i understand how he works and its almost normal for him to always change his mind because he really wants the best. after i had gone through this episode, the next disaster arrived. i went to see the tailor that i usually go to and she told me she cldnt finish doing all the costumes for me but only half of the beyonce medley which officially leaves me in deep shit. now i have to continue searching for alternatives and hopefully everything will turn out ok (if its God's will) and i learnt a lesson to never just depend on one source. now i have to outsource and i dont even know which tailors i can rely on. gosh. not only that. the michael jackson costumes will have to be made because no friggin store selling business clothes sell a full pure white suit. ugh everything is black, grey and off white. goodness.

so after yesterday, i really had to take a break because its really too much to handle as of now. i have to slowly sort out and plan out what i want to do and how im gg to finish everything by the end of this month (actually more like before the last week of november) HELP!! anyway i was feeling in the mood for a movie that was sad because that was how i was feeling at that point of time so i watched: My Sister's Keeper. OMG!! i have to say that it is such a great show. it wasnt the best but it was gooooooooood. hahaha. throughout the movie, i was tearing because the emotions the actors played out were so real and it felt like a life story being told right in front of me. i was crying by the last scene because the death was a painful one and seeing something like that just gets to me. it really made me realize that i have to treasure the people in my life because life is so fragile and to see a loved one in such a state would absolutely break my heart. sigh.

i just hope that tomorrow will bring with it some joys for me and i really sincerely hope that my work will not just be completed on time but look like what i intended it to be. as of now i just gotta suck it up.

well halloween wasnt a really significant period for me becos ive never really celebrated it. in fact i didnt even feel like celebrating it on saturday when everyone was all dressed up in costumes ready to party. i on the other hand decided that spending quality time with some of my good friends seemed more fun. i was a little hesitant in the day though when they told me that we were going to watch the latest singapore film: blue mansion. we have to admit that we usually prefer the special effects and dramatics from the films that are produced in hollywood and it is undeniable that the filming techniques are more professional and advanced. hence, i wasnt really keen on a singapore film but im glad glenn goei proved me wrong.

there was a newspaper report on his present work where he sold his houses to pay for the film which i have to say shows a lot of drive and passion for his craft. the movie was very very very good. the literary devices just brought the whole movie alive. the meanings and intentions behind every single scene was well thought and hence portraying emotions that felt real. it really drew me in and i appreciated that the movie was such a success. i would totally recommend it to my friends. hahaha.

anyway on a separate note, i have to say that ive been trying to keep things more low key because i guess its become a little tiring on ppl to feel my high energy and i know i can't please everyone by being entirely myself. plus there was a whole other incident that caused some awkwardness so right now i dont really want to be screaming and announcing my presence. and praise the Lord because i feel that things between me and the wardrobe mistress have been getting a little better. i guess shes more comfortable to my working style now and i realized that shes not evil just a little too conservative in the way she does things that pisses me off sometimes. i guess i should credit the artistic manager who i had a good speech with. he tld me that i have to take things in a different light so that i dont get affected by what she says or does since its not personal. im glad and i really have to thank God for being so gracious to me.

ive also felt recently that i need to come back a little closer to God. ive generally been a little more distant and it doesnt help that i am so busy at work. my father mentioned something that really made me think about stuff. he said that when he was a teen, he asked God what present he could give him on Christmas (which is kinda weird) but i really loved the answer. God appeared to him in his quiet time and the exact words from the material he was reading was: the best gift you can give to God for Christmas is your TIME! freaky or what but i really feel like our time is very precious to us and by surrendering it to God and giving him our time is the greatest gift we could give him. i was quite inspired by that. to all the cynics who are non-Christians, dont wry, i havent turn into some extremist.

anyway ive also felt really inspired for my latest project in mdc so im gg to sleep on it. gdnite((:

ive been feeling a little shitty lately with things that have been going on this entire month. lets just start from my birthday week. no doubt it was my fault to expect a lot. i expected all my friends to celebrate my birthday but i got disappointed. very very disappointed. on my birthday, i had to call my good friend rachel to come out with me because i had no plans on the actual day. furthermore, i was working in the company all by myself. i felt sad, alone and for the first time, i felt my birthday was shit. matt did tell me tt there was gg to be a surprise bday celebration for me but that didnt happen as well. its just human nature to place the insignificant people in ur life at the bottom of ur list and tts how i felt. even a girl tt was not faring very well in work got a birthday song call by everyone. i know it seems very petty and childish to be ranting about such things. but the thing is every yr, i look forward to my birthday week because i enjoy the quality time i get with my friends becos its my special day so im sry if any of u think tt im just a useless weak bimbo. i felt really unappreciated tt even my friends have forgotten me.

of course there were the other moments that were happy. those little pockets of surprises made me feel better than i felt that week. lynn and ashrul surprised me with a little birthday cake and so did my clique who surprised me with lunch. that was all very very nice and i really really felt so nice and warm. hahaha.

looking at the bigger picture of my problem, i feel like im too nice sometimes so much so that people take me for granted. i feel like people are always very nice to me when they need the help. but once they've got it they just throw me aside like im a piece of used tissue paper. it makes me feel kinda sad that such friendships exist in this world. its just disheartening and it makes me feel like i cant trust many people. i guess this is one of the life lessons that ive learnt from mdc. if u ask me, the number of gd frens i have in mdc wont even need all my 10 fingers. sigh. if u ask me, the real world isnt always as fun as u imagine it to be.

maybe i just need to work my guts of, gain knowledge and then eff off. making friends with people where i work has become such an issue and a tedious process which i just dont really feel like going through any more becos im afraid of getting hurt or betrayed and then i become more cynical then i alr am. i believe what matt said was correct. the smile that i put on every single day of my life is nothing more than a facade that i use to mask the hurt that i feel. so many people have hurt me from the things they said or have done and time and time again i tell myself to let it go but really its easier said then done. i feel so weak and useless for not being able to stand strong and just be independant and not rely so much on people so that i dont have to go through this whole process over and over again.

i feel tired. not just physically but mentally and emotionally. im tired of the constant change of attitudes and behaviours. i just wish everything would just pause for a moment so i can take a breath. i havent felt this way in quite a while but i guess one has to adapt and in times of such difficulties, to look towards heaven and ask God for guidance and strength.

well so a lot has been going on since i was absent from this blog. i cried. yes i cried but not in front of the wardrobe mistress of course. many ppl have told me to since it'll scare the shit outta her but i didnt really wna show her my weakness. basically it has been shit for me working under her. with the title of wardrobe mistress, one would imagine someone who is capable of managing a wardrobe (which includes: having a good grasp of various sewing skills, knowing how to tailor costumes, designing and having a good colour sense). this is the basic skills a wardrobe mistress should have. unfortunately, the one i work under doesnt know how to do anything, so basically shes useless. i have never seen such a leech on society, someone who is so useless but rides on the talents and hard works of other, in this case, me. she has told many lies that have painted a nasty impression of me to the manager who i work directly under, hence making me look like a liability to the company rather than an asset. that was one of the factors that built up to my emotional breakdown last thurs.

take for example a simple case of shortening pants. i admit tt i cant do it well because i have NO experience as compared to someone who has had 36 yrs in the same place to work on a basic skill. that woman shortened a pants by stitching it after folding the excess in which gave a heavy look because she refuses to cut anything. when my boss questioned her, she LIED by pushing the blame to me, saying that i did it. what kind of moral person would blatantly LIE in front of others just so tt they dont get themselves into deep shit. it amazes me how she did it without batting an eyelid.

another incident would be how she refuses to give me money to purchase cloth for my item although she was obliged to give it to me since she is after all the wardrobe mistress. instead, she asked me to get the money from my colleague from the artiste department, claiming on grounds that it is his item when she obviously knew it was her responsibility. she has given thousands to previous designers who have come back to MDC for reservice, never complaining but being such an inhumane dog when it came to giving me a fraction of money.

anyway after building up all my pent up anger, hurt and frustration for about 6 months now, i just BROKE DOWN!! i cried for half an hr screaming slogans like "I HATE HER!!" or "I WANT TO KILL HER!!" or "SHES A BLOODY BITCH!!". not that my parents could stop me since they knew i wld just say it anyway. i was so angry for letting her trample over me and for letting her take advantage of my meekness and my basic respect for a superior by not talking back or screaming at her. shes someone who will never gain my respect because other than being a parasite in this society, she is nothing in my eyes. of course i dont wish her death, although in my anger i did, but i hope that she will reap what she sows one day. the day isnt for me to decide because as my parents said: let god do it because he said in the bible that "vengeance is mine".

now for the music. hahaha. recently, ive been listening a lot to the saturdays because they are really good. i think they're still quite indie in singapore but they're supposed to be quite big in the uk. anyway heres an example of their song.